The Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’

‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’

‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.

‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’

Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’

‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’

‘Nope..just when it’s raining.’

KISAH SANTAN!!

Tersebut lah kisah tentang si Minah yg sewel separuh otak dek kerana jatuh dari katil kerana aksi tidur yg agak lasak… pusin sana pusin sini..last last terjatuh mereng kepala hotak separuh…. hehehe… okey.. tersebut lah kisah, satu hari dimana Ibunya sedang tengah sebuk memasak hidangan tengahari….
Ibu : Minahhhhhhhh….. meh tolong mak sat… gi kedai Pak Abu duda tu, tolong belikan mak Santan Kelapa….!!
Minah: oke mak …. bak sepuluh rengget..!
Ibu: Ape nye sampai sepuluh ringgit nak beli santanya Minah oiii….!! Nah Amik seringgit ni belikan mak santan…
Si Minah pun bergegas ke kedai runcit Pak Abu duda.. yg tak berapa jauh dari umah…… adelah 80 meter jauhnye… .. sesampai ke kedai Pak Abu… kelihatan ramai anak2 muda dan belia kampung sedang bermain Dam haji ditepi kedai si Pak Abu.
Minah: Pak Abu …!! PAk Abu !! Mak nak soh kita beli Santan kelapa lah…… nah seringgit….. Mak kata cukup ni…!!
Pak Abu dan bebudak muda2 semua ambil acuh tak acuh dengan kehadiran si Minah yg depa tau mereng separuh hotak ni… tak kuasa depa nak amik pot….
Si Rizal … tetiba membisikkan sesuatu kepada telinga si Pak Abu duda yg duduk disebelahnya,…… si Pak Abu duda pun lalu menyahut dan menyapa si Minah kembali…
Pak Abu: Minah….. Mmmmm cantik skirt awak..!!.. hehe,…. MMmm okay sebenarnya santan dah abih…. kelapa belum sempat petik kat pokok kelapa tu hah… ….. lutut pak Abu ni dah tua tak bule memanjat dah….. .. camnilah.. kalu Minah tolong panjatkan… Pak Abu kasik freeeeee…….(Sambil senyum sinis kepada semua yg tengah main dam kek situ)
Minah : Tinggi lahh Pak Abu.. mana sampai……!!
Pak Abu : Uiissssshhhhh…. ade tangga ni hah……. kami semua ni pegang tangga kat bawah, sambil Minah panjat atas amikan kelapa tu.. (jerat pak abu menskodeng si Minah mereng kian masuk jarumm…..)
Minah : Mmmmmm… okey kot… tapi pak abu semua pegang baik baik tau tangga ni…… nanti Minah campak kelapa kat bawa… sambut tauuuu!!!
Pak Abu ngan Ulat2 dam : Boley ajaaaaaaaaa………
Si Minah pun memanjat….. dan tercapai lah hajat si Pak Abu ngan kaumnya melayan nafsu menskodeng si Minah…!!!
Setiba di rumah dengan santan nya…
Ibu: Ape kene sampai sejam ko ni pegi beli santan kat kedai tu hahh Minah!!! Mana ko merewang pulak tadi..??
Minah : Eh takdelah Mak…. tadi Pak Abu tu soh Minah yg panjat sendirik pokok kelapa tu .. pastu dia kasik lah santan tu free kat Minah…….. nah amik serenget balik..!!
Mata mak minah tetiba mebulat terkejut……
Ibu : Apaaaaaa!!!!!! yg ko pegi ikut cakap diorang tu kenapa????? diorang tu amik kesempatan kat engkau lahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (tempik ibu si Minah maraah!! )
Minah: iye ke mak??? mana ade…..@!!
Ibu: Hissshhh ape nak jadi dengan kau ni…… Pak Abu tu semua cuma nak ambil kesempatan kat engkau … depa nak intai kat dalam skirt kau tu hah…!!!
Minah: lah… apsal pulak diorang nak tengok kat dalam skirt ni??? (tanya Minah bingung?? )
Ibu: haissshhh… umur je dah 25!!! penat lah Mak nak eksplen kat kau ni…diorang nak intai seluar dalam kau tu lah…… (muka mak Minah makin merah dek marah!!)
Tetiba si Minah gelak tak ingat2…!!!! membuatkan maknya kehairanan tahap maksimum…….
Minah: Hahahaha… haha.. bodoh lah diorang tu mak….!!
Ibu: Apahal dengan ko ni….? Apa pulak tak kene ni??
Minah: AHAHAHAHAa…. kalu diorang ingat diorang pandai… Minah lagi pandailah mak…….!! jangan risau lah mak… diorang tak dapat tengok lah suar dalam Minah tadi….
Conferrrrrm!!
Ibu: lah iye ke….. kamu kata kamu…(belum sempat mak minah menghabiskan pertanyaan… )
Minah: Minah tak pakai suar dalam lah Mak !!!
Ibu: *%&! @ #(Pengsan)

Sex education by Phua Chu Kang (very funny)

Phua Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng’s son, Aloysius………
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah!
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not? Ehhh ? Don’t pray pray ah !
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah!
Use your blain, use your blainnn ………..
Aloy : Why is it most men don’t like wearing condoms when they are making love?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ………………………….
you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah …… Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah …… ,’ Best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world! also ah!!!’

AHAKS… JUST FOR LAUGHS

BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I’m dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
****
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you’ve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I’d like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn’t know the alphabet yet!!
****
QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
****
CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it’s a horror film. I didn’t see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
****
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague: Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
****
Spelling lesson
Mr. Bean’s Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful….is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

MAT RIDDLES

What do you call a Mat lawyer? 
Matlock! 
What do you call a Mat who’s driving a Mercedes Benz? 
Ahmat. (Chauffeur) 
How do you confuse a Mat? 
Put him in a circular room and ask him to relac one corner. 
What do you call a Mat bungee jumping? 
Mat Yo-yo
What do you call a young Mat ? 
Mini Mat 
What do you call a small, cheap Malay? 
Econ mini mat 
What is a Malay’s favourite tv show? 
Ali Matbeal 
Where is a Malay’s favourite shopping spot? 
Matro 
what do u call a pious malay man? 
mat saleh 
siapa dia anak pak husin ngok ngek kaki kontot kepala kemek? 
mat tahir ( as p ramlee said it ) 
wat do u call a safe malay man? 
selaMat 
wat do u call a neat malay man? 
se mat ( smart) 
what do u call a panicky malay man? 
gaMat 
what do u call a thrifty malay man? 
jiMat 
there is a Malaysian malay movie called, perempuan melayu terakhir, cerita lelaki melayu terakhir dipanggil apa? 
taMat 

KISAH SANTAN!!

Tersebut lah kisah tentang si Minah yg sewel separuh otak dek kerana jatuh dari katil kerana aksi tidur yg agak lasak… pusin sana pusin sini..last last terjatuh mereng kepala hotak separuh…. hehehe… okey.. tersebut lah kisah, satu hari dimana Ibunya sedang tengah sebuk memasak hidangan tengahari….
Ibu : Minahhhhhhhh….. meh tolong mak sat… gi kedai Pak Abu duda tu, tolong belikan mak Santan Kelapa….!!
Minah: oke mak …. bak sepuluh rengget..!
Ibu: Ape nye sampai sepuluh ringgit nak beli santanya Minah oiii….!! Nah Amik seringgit ni belikan mak santan…
Si Minah pun bergegas ke kedai runcit Pak Abu duda.. yg tak berapa jauh dari umah…… adelah 80 meter jauhnye… .. sesampai ke kedai Pak Abu… kelihatan ramai anak2 muda dan belia kampung sedang bermain Dam haji ditepi kedai si Pak Abu.
Minah: Pak Abu …!! PAk Abu !! Mak nak soh kita beli Santan kelapa lah…… nah seringgit….. Mak kata cukup ni…!!
Pak Abu dan bebudak muda2 semua ambil acuh tak acuh dengan kehadiran si Minah yg depa tau mereng separuh hotak ni… tak kuasa depa nak amik pot….
Si Rizal … tetiba membisikkan sesuatu kepada telinga si Pak Abu duda yg duduk disebelahnya,…… si Pak Abu duda pun lalu menyahut dan menyapa si Minah kembali…
Pak Abu: Minah….. Mmmmm cantik skirt awak..!!.. hehe,…. MMmm okay sebenarnya santan dah abih…. kelapa belum sempat petik kat pokok kelapa tu hah… ….. lutut pak Abu ni dah tua tak bule memanjat dah….. .. camnilah.. kalu Minah tolong panjatkan… Pak Abu kasik freeeeee…….(Sambil senyum sinis kepada semua yg tengah main dam kek situ)
Minah : Tinggi lahh Pak Abu.. mana sampai……!!
Pak Abu : Uiissssshhhhh…. ade tangga ni hah……. kami semua ni pegang tangga kat bawah, sambil Minah panjat atas amikan kelapa tu..
(jerat pak abu menskodeng si Minah mereng kian masuk jarumm…..)
Minah : Mmmmmm… okey kot… tapi pak abu semua pegang baik baik tau tangga ni…… nanti Minah campak kelapa kat bawa… sambut tauuuu!!!
Pak Abu ngan Ulat2 dam : Boley ajaaaaaaaaa………
Si Minah pun memanjat….. dan tercapai lah hajat si Pak Abu ngan kaumnya melayan nafsu menskodeng si Minah…!!!
Setiba di rumah dengan santan nya…
Ibu: Ape kene sampai sejam ko ni pegi beli santan kat kedai tu hahh Minah!!! Mana ko merewang pulak tadi..??
Minah : Eh takdelah Mak…. tadi Pak Abu tu soh Minah yg panjat sendirik pokok kelapa tu .. pastu dia kasik lah santan tu free kat Minah…….. nah amik serenget balik..!!
Mata mak minah tetiba mebulat terkejut……
Ibu : Apaaaaaa!!!!!! yg ko pegi ikut cakap diorang tu kenapa????? diorang tu amik kesempatan kat engkau lahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (tempik ibu si Minah maraah!! )
Minah: iye ke mak??? mana ade…..@!!
Ibu: Hissshhh ape nak jadi dengan kau ni…… Pak Abu tu semua cuma nak ambil kesempatan kat engkau … depa nak intai kat dalam skirt kau tu hah…!!!
Minah: lah… apsal pulak diorang nak tengok kat dalam skirt ni??? (tanya Minah bingung?? )
Ibu: haissshhh… umur je dah 25!!! penat lah Mak nak eksplen kat kau ni…diorang nak intai seluar dalam kau tu lah…… (muka mak Minah makin merah dek marah!!)
Tetiba si Minah gelak tak ingat2…!!!! membuatkan maknya kehairanan tahap maksimum…….
Minah: Hahahaha… haha.. bodoh lah diorang tu mak….!!
Ibu: Apahal dengan ko ni….? Apa pulak tak kene ni??
Minah: AHAHAHAHAa…. kalu diorang ingat diorang pandai… Minah lagi pandailah mak…….!! jangan risau lah mak… diorang tak dapat tengok lah suar dalam Minah tadi…. Conferrrrrm!!
Ibu: lah iye ke….. kamu kata kamu…(belum sempat mak minah menghabiskan pertanyaan… )
Minah: Minah tak pakai suar dalam lah Mak !!!
Ibu: *%&! @ #(Pengsan)