LIFE’S 14 LINES

1) I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2) No man is worth your tears, and the one who does won’t make you cry.

3) Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

4) They say love hides behind every corner, then I must be walking in circles.

5) A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

6) The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, knowing you can’t have them.

7) Never frown, even when you are sad, because you’ll never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world.

9) Don’t waste your time on a someone, who isn’t willing to waster their time on you.

10) Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong person before meeting the right one. So that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

11) Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happen.

12) There’s always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time round.

13) Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try, and know someone else and expect them to know you.

14) Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. 

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.You won’t be wearing them for a while. 

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children torun wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

LEAVE IT AT THE OFFICE

Just spend 5 minutes of your time to read this…..it will enrich your life!

Most of us are working harder and longer hours, and find it difficult to just “let go” at the end of the workday. You’re still thinking of that project that needs to be completed, the meeting tomorrow, those phone calls you didn’t get to.

Subsequently, your down time at home with the family may suffer. And yet phychologists note that time with family is crucial to a satisfying life. Here are a few ideas on how to “turn it off” at the end of the workday and reconnect with our private life:

1) Use the last 15 minutes of the workday to do low-pressure tasks. Clean off your desk, return one or two calls to people you enjoy dealing with. More importantly, take the time to plan and write down tomorrow’s tasks. Trying to remember them will just keep your mind preoccupied all night.

2) Make a point of noticing the scenery on your journey home. Smell the air, notice the trees or the sky. It will help distance you from the workday, relax you and remind you of a larger perspective.

3) When you get home, don’t immediately launch into a litany about how tough your day was. Ask your family to also hold off on their demands for a few minutes to a half an hour. Use this time to change clothes, take a shower or a walk, enjoy a cup of tea or coffee.

4) Establish rituals. Simple things like family dinners have gotten lost in today’s busy lifestyle. Try to create “touchstones” at home that make you all reconnect. This can be sitting down once week to a meal together, spending an evening together watching a certain show on TV, etc.

If you tend to be a workaholic — and these days, it’s difficult to avoid overworking yourself remember the big picture………..

Someone once said that……………

“Upon dying, no one ever said ‘I wish I had spent more time at work’”.

SWEET WORDS

1. Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

2. Don’t cry over anyone who won’t cry over you.

3. If love isn’t a game, why are there so many players?

4. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

5. You can only go as far as you push.

6. Actions speak louder than words.

7. The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.

8. Don’t let the past hold you back, you’re missing the good stuff.

9. Life’s short. If you don’t look around once in a while you might miss it.

10. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.

11. Some people make the world special just by being in it.

12. Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us.

13. When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

4. True friendship never ends.

15. Friends are forever.

16. Good friends are like stars….You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

17. Don’t frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

18. What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?

19. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

20. Everything is okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

21. Most people walk in and out of your life. But friends leave footprints in your heart.

REMEMBER, EVERY MINUTE SPENT ANGRY IS SIXTY SECONDS OF WASTED HAPPINESS!

AHAKS… JUST FOR LAUGHS

BRAIN TUMOR

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I’m dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

****

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you’ve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

****

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE

Mr. Bean: I’d like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn’t know the alphabet yet!!

****

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE

Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks!

****

Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

****

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it’s a horror film. I didn’t see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

****

Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom’s dead.

Friend: condolence, my friend.

After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

****

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING

Colleague: Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

****

Spelling lesson

Mr. Bean’s Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful….is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

MAT RIDDLES

What do you call a Mat lawyer? 

Matlock! 

What do you call a Mat who’s driving a Mercedes Benz? 

Ahmat. (Chauffeur) 

How do you confuse a Mat? 

Put him in a circular room and ask him to relac one corner. 

What do you call a Mat bungee jumping? 

Mat Yo-yo

What do you call a young Mat ? 

Mini Mat 

What do you call a small, cheap Malay? 

Econ mini mat 

What is a Malay’s favourite tv show? 

Ali Matbeal 

Where is a Malay’s favourite shopping spot? 

Matro 

what do u call a pious malay man? 

mat saleh 

siapa dia anak pak husin ngok ngek kaki kontot kepala kemek? 

mat tahir ( as p ramlee said it ) 

wat do u call a safe malay man? 

selaMat 

wat do u call a neat malay man? 

se mat ( smart) 

what do u call a panicky malay man? 

gaMat 

what do u call a thrifty malay man? 

jiMat 

there is a Malaysian malay movie called, perempuan melayu terakhir, cerita lelaki melayu terakhir dipanggil apa? 

taMat 

NOTE FOR ALL SATAY LOVERS

If you all makan satay, don’t ever forget to eat the cucumber. Because….eating satay together with the carbon after the bbq-ing session can cause cancer. But we have a cure for that…….

Cucumber should be eaten after we ate the satay…..because satay has kasinogen (element that can cause cancer) but cucumber is anti-kasinogen.

So dun forget to eat the cucumber the nxt time u r eating satays ok. 

Have a balanced food…eat cucumber.